Hi my name is chantell I'm 15 going on 16 in may and in yr 11 doing TEE, my school life and home life is very hard for me for the last 5-7 year at school have pushed me further down in life, in yer 9 i considered taking my own life a few times, then last year again making some people i know very scared, through the Christmas brake i was pushed by people to the point i just wanted to hurt everyone else around me (got into some fights at school, but no teachers found out) i feel i don't belong any were, i want to go for ever, yes i do participate in self harm etc.. i refuse to tell my parents what is happening but some one i talk to that i trust talked to my mum a few weeks ago now she knows some things up. its not getting worse at the moment but I'm a farm girl so physically life is hard but i don't eat very often going for 4days with out eating, self harm, i don't sleep much 4-7hrs a nigh max, i don't care for my life and really the only thing that's keeping my here are my 3 horses they keep me a little sane and let me get out. but i don't want to be here any more but i don't want to hurt really few that care just a little.
thanks Xx

Hi,
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. pls take the time to read about Amy under the post "I can't even look anymore". Maybe you and Amy could talk and help each other.
Have you tried counseling? I know it helps a lot. It is helping my 12 year old so much!
Life can be so hard. Try to concentrate on things that are good about yourself and things you love. (horses are a good start). Have you been to the doctor to see if there is a physical reason you are depressed? It sometimes is easier to fix than we even know.
What is it you are trying to feel by harming yourself?
Things will get better hon....hang in there please. Come back and talk to us here okay.
Love-
Christy

Hi,
i can't do any thing that will result in my family finding out. when i was in yr 8 i seen a councilor but he broke confidentualitly, and haven't trusted anyone since. i feel i don't have any thing i like about my self, i trust my horses because they know what you need when you ride them as they feel how you feel. self harm it almost i guess you could say all the bad is running out off me, weather its cutting, bruising, starving. i don't feel better in the long run, i feel worse. i just don't want to deal with life anymore( in one week i had happen heart problem, float accident, 2 family members in hospital and later horse goes through a fence another cuts its leg open) its all happening around me at the moment.
thank you

Hi hon,
I have been thinking about you and Miss Amy today. I really want you both to know how great you both are and how you are put here to be YOU.
Why do you feel your family can't find out about your feelings?
I'm so sorry about everything that has happened to you. I'm glad you feel so comfortable around your horses. Baby steps in finding things to make you smile!!
Love-Christy

Hi Chantelle
I am really sorry about the things that have happened around you right now. Listen...about 2 years ago I was feeling pretty much the same way you are now. I was at a point in my life where I felt like nothing mattered or I had no reason to live or felt like I had no purpose in life. I never was at the point of cutting or hurting myself physically, but I was having suicidal thoughts. I didn't want to live anymore either. It was here that I gained support and help from others. I truly believe that things happen for a reason and I felt I was led to this site just as you were too. Two years ago I didn't have any hope in life, but I have learned that there is always hope in everything.
What are you so afraid of your family finding out? Who did your counselor break his confidentiality to? Please continue to talk to us so that we can try to help you.

Becky

Hi,
my family don't really get along, when ever we talk it always ends up in an argument, and a few yer ago when i was speaking to a counsellor my mum had an accident that almost killed her (i know it wasn't my fault) and she walked out when this happened after an argument.
The counsellor was a family friend and he spoke to my parents and teacher very openly.
School is really torture for me names being physical hit and threatened was hard and being home i can’t do any thing with out saying what or were I’m going, who I’m talking to, i have no freedom.
Becky everyone tells me i have a place and that these are all just a test but when you start hurting your self and putting suicidal thoughts into act, people just I’m sorry but i feel they dont understand.
Thanks

Hi Chantelle
I know how you feel when you say that people just don't understand. I have felt the same way at times. People aren't going to truly understand what you are going through if they haven't been through the same things themselves.
As far as your counselor being a family friend...that should never have happened. Ya your right he broke confidentiality, but at the same time he was a family friend. If he was a counselor first he never would have done that. I know now you are struggling with the "trust" issues with people but you really need to find a counselor who is not someone you or your family knows. I have struggled with trusting people my whole life too so I know how you feel. I am currently in counseling myself for a lot of issues and it does help. So please find a different counselor to go to. They will help you. Once you start getting that help you need, then everything else will fall into place. You are getting to that age where in a few years you will be on your own and your parents won't be able to tell you what to do, so you have to nip it in the bud now. Please find a different one and go to them. Keep talking to us!

Becky

Becky,
It warms my heart to hear what you just told sweet Chanelle. I remember when you were having the trust issues with counseling and you have come so far and now you are helping others.
Chantelle, pls don't let one experience keep you from getting help. You are worth it and you are amazing. I hope you will start to see it. It is there!
Love to you both,
Christy

hi,
unfortunately i don't have that mother daughter trust thing happening nor do i think it will ever happen, i would try to trust again but every time i have i get hurt again. i went through years off this happening keeping it all in and putting it out through drawing and self harm, but i was dealing with it but in the last couple off years I've been over run with things going wrong and its just all come out. i personally don't care if i were to die tomorrow (so long as my horses were safe), its thous very few people that know me i don't want to hurt to.
I give great thanks to you Becky for sharing these things with me and to you Christy for trying to help.

Sometimes it is easier to talk to people we don't know than those we do. I hope you can start to find the things that are great about yourself. Like, it seems you love animals, that means you are compassionate. God made you you and only you can fullfill your purpose and your life path. I know it is hard to see this through depression. I have been there. I just hope this changes for you soon!
Love-Christy

Chantelle
I'm talking about trusting another counselor...first. I have spent the last 30 years not being able to trust anyone. I have spent the last 30 years holding all my emotions and feelings inside. I bottled everything up. I have been hurt so many times and in so many ways that I know what it's like to just want to give up on life. I isolated myself most of those years. I didn't have anything to keep me going like you have your horses. Like I said, I am seeing a counselor myself right now. I have seen 2 different counselors before the one I got now. So like Christy said, don't let 1 bad experience keep you from getting help.

Becky

I'm sorry if it seems I'm complaining or repeating my self, i might go and see another counselor but my family can't find out, even me on here talking to you is kept away from my parents, they know nothing i don't want them to know anything, not till I'm locked away and sedated all day so i don't hurt my self. i understand what you both mean and i know its the right thing to do.
christy i don't feel i have the time, i might need to over come this,
but thanks

Sweetie, you don't have to apologize to us. You don't sound at all like you are whining and repeating yourself, you sound like someone who feels like they are in a box and doesn't think there is a way out. You are losing all hope. I understand. Please don't hurt yourself. Think ahead a few years and look at what your life could be. There is always hope hon you just have to look hard to find it in yourself. I'm praying for you.
Hugs to you- Christy

Thank you Christy, i wish i could think ahead but i can't even look a few days ahead with out wanting to hurt my self, i look to my past and only feel pain and sorrow its really been the only thing i have known and when i look fored to something it ends up being one off the worst experiences for me, i keep these little tiny peaces off hope locked away from when i was really young but these memories, well they are almost no more being pushed out by all the resent years.
Thanks

Hi hon,
Do you have anything else that makes you happy besides horses? Do you have a friend or family member who you trust? I've been thinking about you and praying for you. I want you to have HOPE!
Love-Christy