my mother and i have a long past, but its getting to the point where im ready to give up on having a relationship with her. everything i do seems never good enough and she has no confidence in me with anything i do. my friend says i need to get out from under her thumb and i would be better...to do what i want with school and things. im goin into my second year of college, scared to death because i wont do good enough and i dont want to fail out because of it...again... i would like to switch my major but she wont hear of it... i never work enough hours according to her even when she wittnesses me except all the extra day my boss offers me... and this evening i got called a "skank" which i am absolutly not! it just has me thinking maybe i need to just give up on it and live with out a mom figure...i need someone who supports me, gives me confidence, and doesnt crush my self esteem...i dont know what to do anymore i need some advice please
Casi~

I'm sorry hon. I have a friend who is 30 and still has these same issues. She went to counseling and has learned to stand up to her mom in a way that lets her mom know she loves her but will not tolerate being degraded or talked down to. This has actually worked for them.
I always say try to find a counselor because it helps you deal with how you react to all situations. I know it doesn't work for everyone but it works for some of us!
I wish you luck and hope that one day your mom will see how blessed she is to have a great daughter like you!
Love,
Christy

hi christy!
im a strong believer in counseling. iv been in it for somewhere around 4 years myself and that what i would like to switch my major to. it really does help and teach great techniques to use in life. we tried some family counseling and she gave up on it and quit. each session ended in a fight and she didnt think it was "necessary" to go anymore. one minuet she tries to be my friend then a mother then a boss (we work at the same hospital in the same department) nothing has ever been set in stone so i dont know how to act. i wish i could stand up to her but i feel that i need her in a way, she understands some of my sensitive issues that i dealt with through my depression. such as my anxiety and insecurities. also my parents are split and iv lived with her most of my life. i guess i depend somewhat on her but she doesnt respond healthily and it really brings me down. i just need to do something to "fix" or "change" it but i think i am out of options to try. i dont want to lose my mother but im at that point in my life that i need to make decisions that benefit myself. lol sorry im kinda venting...

thanks hon your great
Casi~

Hi Casi,
I can totally relate to you!!!! I have gone through the same thing with my mum and she has recently cut me out of her life completely despite me doing years of counselling, etc to try and "mend" things with her. Although hard in some ways it is hard at the moment I have a great group of supportive friends that are helping me to rebuild things and move forward in life.
Good luck girlfriend
xxx

hey,
yes its very difficult. somedays we get along great and others we dont. sometimes we are like best friends and others she'll get mad if i even try to talk to her. and other times it both and its hard to tell if she is gunna get mad or actually be a parent and help with my concern or atleast be civil. its just hard cause i dont know ever how to act around her anymore. thanks guys for reading and replying!

Casi~

ok,
so this post doesnt have to do with my mother but with my stepfather..."family". we have a long nasty past all through out my childhood. iv never liked him and lately as in the last year or two have been convinced to give him a chance for my 13 year old brothers sake...his son...my half brother. well long story short in high school i suffered from severe depression and attempted to OD 2 times. that was over nearly 2 and a half years ago. im a new person and have moved on from that point in my life. not to say its a touchy topic to bring up tho... my stepfather has anger problems and has what i call his moods... well he sure was in one 2nite about a bill i have nothing to do with and expected the money out of me...i flat out said im not doing this tonight. he went off on a rampage and told me to F...off that i didnt have a live i couldnt and wouldnt succeed in anything and that i should just go OD again. these fights are something i have saddly become used to but i think this time with his words he went to far and it really hit home.... mom isnt home yet and im waiting to see if she deffends me when she returns...

i really need some advice on this or feedback it just really hurt to hear that and makes me feel that much more worthless...

love and thanks,
Casi~

Oh gosh casi, I wish that I could just jump through the screen and give you a huge hug!!!! I know exactly how bad words can hurt! My mum is like that too. I now have nothing to do with her after a massive incident the other week at my house where she lost it. There is now a no contact order in place and it has been a tough few weeks as my dad has since found out the extent of the abuse I suffered. I don't want to say too much on here, but I want you to know that i am here for you xxx

that means alot!!
i called my mom shortly after the incident and she didnt sound surprised and said she would handle it when she returned home. she ignored it and said it wasnt a big deal. she didnt care. and she has found out about the abuse my stepdad gave me when i was younger and knows how he acts and since then she does deffend me in these situations. it hurts that what he did last night didnt phase her though. im older now and when my stepdad gets in a mood i know what to expect with his temper and how the argument is going to go and it is just getting very old. ill be so greatful when school starts again and i can be away from this house hold.

whoever said sticks and stones my break my bones but words will never hurt me...is a liar!!! just to make that clear : )
just since he said those words to me iv been contemplating if i need to change the person i am, the way i do things, how i live, etc...made me feel like im not a good person..

thanks so much its great to know somebody understands...

Casi~

Hey Casi,
I hate when things get pushed to the side like that my dad was the same with my mum saying that he would fix things with her so that she never hurt me... Nothing changed it was like what I was going through never exsisted or wasn't important. It's not till now that he is finally realising just what I went through and how deep that has affected me and how broken parts of my life are.
All I can say is focus hard on school and use that as a catelist to change things in your life. Keep me updated on things... Thinking of you!!!! Remember that you are NOT alone. Be proud of how strong you are.
Talk soon

Sammyxxx

hey,
well mom did eventually confront my stepfather about the situation yesterday.
i was down stairs in my room all day as i had the day off. i heard them fighting all day long back and forth through the house. i wanted to go up there and put my two cents in but i decided if i heard it go any further i would intervene. i dont think much got accomplished in their conversation other than i was a target for the tension in the house. after the fight my stepfather sucked up to me about as much as he could cause he knew i was going to tell my mom. he continued this act until he left town today. im not going to forgive him yet its the same act as i got as a kid that i am to smart for now. im not goin to feel sorry for him and not tell mom or think he is going to be nice to me or whatever he wants. im smart and old enough to know that the reverse psychology doesnt work anymore for his benefit. im just glad he is out of town for the week i guess...im pretty sure its all forgotten about and when he returns this weekend hel be back to his normal self. which is im the step kid and his son comes first he tends to favor my brother way more than his step kids and i just happen to be the only step kid in the house for him to take his frustations out on...which doesnt bother me unless he confronts me i dont want anything to do with him. im just going to plan on keeping my distance from him and i guess do whatever pleases my mother or puts her in a good mood...

Casi~

hi
today i had a session with my counselor. we talked about what my stepdad had said, and about school. one topic that was brought up was support. iv been trying to ignore it for the last few months and she has tried to break the news as you could say.
she stared off by saying that when school starts we needed to work something out for whenever i needed someone. whether it be by phone, session, email..etc. she said when i felt i needed to turn to someone when i feel overwhelmed or need help with school or dealing with it to get ahold of her.
then she said because your family supports you but not emotionally, you need the confidence and help.
which i know she is right. mom is really good about telling me what i need to do and what will happen if i dont do it...reflecting her worries on me. she never praises me. my father and i couldnt be traded lol but we arent that close. i feel like i only talk to him if i need something which i wish i could change but i dont know how to spent time with me let alone get close with him.
i guess iv never had a figure in my live to say.....

you can do it...
great job...
your great at this...

instead its...
if you dont do this you'll be here
you should of done better
you wont be able to do this...you are good at this but u got to do this first or you'll never get there if you dont do this...

iv tried to get my mom to change her approaches on her worries for me or concerns... but it leaves me with no self esteem.. i just hope that this school year is successful and then some...

thanks for reading...
casi~

Casi,
I just caught up on all of this. Your situation brings tears to my eyes because of my past. I'm so sorry about this.
I have had to retrain myself not to want to get my self esteem from my dad. When I was your age, I thought he had to be proud of me in order for me to feel good about myself. Once he remarried my stepmother (stepmother number 3), I could never live up to his view of how I should be. It has taken me years to overcome this but now I do talk to him without trying to please him.
I am so glad you are getting counseling and she is trying to help you have support. we all need that. Keep talking to us here too. I really want you to feel good about yourself. It is a huge step to get past but you can do it!! I have faith in you.
I just wanted to know, I know how you feel. I think you are taking the right steps to make your life better for you! You deserve that, pls don't ever let anyone take that away!
Love, Christy

hey christy!!

yes, its very hard for me to think good of myself. i dont have self confidence or self esteem at all for myself. its hard to when you dont have a praised environment in your past. im so nervous for school to start yet so anxious because i want to prove to people i can but i know what im going to expect from last year and years previous. it makes me feel sooooooooo good when i get noticed for something i have done or accomplished, and i dont asked to be praised at my feet just told good job if i do good on a test or something. i wish i could hear it from other people more than me trying to reassure myself everyday of why im doing what im doing or have done...so thanks so much for reading and understanding!!! that doesnt happen very often.

thanks again!
Casi~

Hey Casi,
Sorry I havent been online all week... You have been in my thoughts all week though. Reading your recent post your step father sounds soooo much like my own mother that its not funny!
I'm the eldest of two children (I have a younger sister) and my mum has never gotten on well with me despite the fact that I have Cerebral Palsy and as a result I'm in a wheelchair and my left side and two legs are very affected.
Growing up my mother has always been the one to put me down saying that I'm nothing, I'm stupid....etc, etc (Despite having beaten many of the odds, as my prognosis was I will, never talk, toilet train, go to a main stream school and anything else you can think of) I have always tried to do my best to please her but NOTHING had never been good enough, she is always making me feel crappy about the fact I have a disability and saying negative things about me despite the fact that I have done nothing but beat the odds and do good for myself.
There has also been a lot of physical abuse too, to the point where at times I wished that I hadn't lived through my premature birth. Having said this I have come a long way putting myself through counselling on and off for many years.
The best thing I did for me was to cut my mum off and I have now that I'm not living under her roof and I'm over trying to prove myself to her. Now I'm just looking after ME
I know exactly where you are coming from girlfriend and you are in my thoughts like Christy said keep us updated on things
Sending you hugs

hello hello,
ok so my stepdad was home this weekend and things did go pretty well...no fights and we were civil we it was needed...guess im trained in this situation on how to act...

mom have been fairly kind to me as well which in a surprise..so im trying to enjoy it while it lasts i guess..

friday night my little brother and i spent near four hours cleaning and polishing every nook and cranny or my car. it was good bonding time. anyway the whole time i was cleaning my car the more giddy i got to see the look on my dads face and how proud he would be of the car and what i had done for he found me the car and is helping pay for it. and hes owns a body shop so he takes care of it too. anyhow i took it over yesterday and the first thing he said was what wrong with it now.... i told him no no i cleaned it! he was a little shocked and said it looked like a new car. he didnt really look to hard at it..and then proceeded to say well when does school start so we can do this and this to it... the whole visit was no longer than a total of 5min. i left nearly in tears because yet again i have failed at something with my dad....i dont know how to make our relationship stronger and it tears my heart to peices because i love him alot....


casi~